How To Reply a Random ‘I Miss You Text’:

In Thirty Points & New Rules.

NEW RULES.

I rest my back on my bed, and face the ceiling. Do you want to know where I am and what I am doing?

I’ll tell you a little about it. I was writing with a pen on my notes. I am trying to ‘journal’ again. It’s funny how I am faced with so many answers and realization just by jotting things down, ***inserts josh2funny. 

It’s true, distance brings clarity. My chest is filled with so much anger, regret and remorse at the same time. How can a body bear so much all at once?

First, I want to send you a ‘I am sorry text’, although the last time we talked was two days ago and before that three days ago. In summary, it is not a random apology text. Maybe it’s an atonement for the first time I saw you and took your bracelet making you bound to me for-ever?. Or should I apologize for all the games you played with my mind? 

I am really sorry, sincerely sorry for everything, and I know you know why. I will not send this text because I don’t know if you have moved on, and my message might give another wound in your body. 

The reason why I rest my back is because I was sitting up, and my neck started to hurt from writing, my back too. Now, I face the ceiling and the fan stares back at me. I imagine the white blades stained with blood from my neck. How can it cut me? There is no electricity. I close my eyes, I can hear the church through it’s loudspeakers. It has been there for about fifteen years.

“As I pray for you, none of you will go to hellfire. I pray that God will have mercy. Amen”, the pastor prayed. 

The horn of a bike, a car. These sounds come to me. I can hear almost everything, the generator of one of our tenants. The noise of people from the next compound, screaming children, shuffling feet below my window, I can hear the ‘Afolé’ washing the drainage too. A lone tear escapes my right eye.

I won’t tell you where I am but I have known this place for over twenty years, a lot has happened. This place was before my birth along with the people in it. This is home, and it is a shark sometimes.

***

How To Reply an ‘I Miss You’ Text In 30 Lines.

1. say “you play all day”, to a “I miss you” text. They are joking, they can’t be serious with their lives. How can you randomly wake up one morning and think that you miss me? Something must be missing in your life. Look for it, address it and don’t look for me ever again.

2. “I know, it’s been so long.” Yeah, but I never knew you were a harlot. Don’t try to look for me, because if you do will disgrace you. Bye, and Keep being the bad gyal that you are.

3. “I would miss myself too.”

4. “you love to lie.” You must be a dirty liar and a f***king b**ch to come randomly at me. You mean you don’t miss me everyday? 

5. Normalize not replying to things you don’t want to. You can simply choose to open the message and leave it like that. If they want to chat with themselves in your DM then they should go ahead. Who go reply them? 

6. “hey, who is this?” followed by a clown emoji 🤡. Only clowns behave this way and clowns should be treated as such. What I mean is - never should you take clowns seriously because you will definitely get played. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

7. “you better work on your aim, the person you miss is no longer available.” Only sore losers come back for what they lost or what’s no longer available. If they could actually throw a proper shot or keep a good thing, they would still have you. That’s why you have to help them to practice better. 

8. Say “it usually be like that or that way.”

9. “as you should”, Say this and it will knock their head well-well like a nail and hammer. It will sink in deep. They are supposed to miss you and that shouldn’t make you lick vomit again.

10. “aaww, that was random,” the aww, is because they are trying to act cute or you find them cute like a lost puppy.

11. “what’s wrong?”, You need to ask them this question, it is very important to ask because you can’t be sure, they could be struggling with their kolo mental or they got STI. Something fishy is going down, Davido knows why he sang that line. Always remember to remain open but suspicious.

12. “what made you say that?”, it’s possible that they fell down from a moving Danfo and they suddenly have amnesia. Head trauma can make people forget what they have don’t and say things they don’t mean. Get the facts straight before you start feeling mushy inside like soft agege bread. Always ask why.

13. I celebrate you. Foolish people need to be celebrated too, you can see through the bullshit so celebrate them and say well-done.  You once exhibited ‘mumu’ traits but does that make you a mumu? No, See I am giving these new rules and advice because I don’t judge you and ‘cause this is a safe space. If you like say, ‘I miss you too’ or ‘I miss you more’, That makes you a mumu for life. Once a mumu, always a mumu.

14. “but is that right?”. Nope, definitely wrong of you to send that text. 

15. “the truth will set you free”. You’re obviously in captivity. Psychopathic lying is bondage. Did I ask you to miss me? Who sent you message now?. Kai, no one asked, and you just want to randomly lie to me. Go and get help please.

16. “what do you miss about me?”. Did you miss my naivety? Did you miss the way I loved you? Did you miss how I take care of you? Did you miss the way I called your name? Did you miss how easily accessible I was? Did you miss the puppy look in my eyes when I saw you? What exactly do you miss about me? 

17. “send me a picture of you crying so I believe you.” Even if you don’t want to please ask for this receipt. These days receipts are needed. This person can go back and tell people that say you said the “I miss you” first. Better have your back up.

18. “what are you doing here?” Imagine that you got no new game. Old games since last year, you still want to play this year? Ode game is over, try again later.

19. “I know.” Ouch, This reply right here, is the height of self awareness. Yessss like, of course! I who I am and I know what I gave you, so why wouldn’t you miss me? Tell me why tf not? 

20. “that’s wild.” Did you escape from a cage? The zoo? Did you catch rabies? This is definitely wild animal behavior, please get treated ASAP.

21. “I hope you’re well?”, because you ask doesn’t mean you care or you are ignorant that they aren’t well. Someone that has high fever. Efile, e je ko cook.

22. I am the realest, what’s not to miss?

23. “do you?”, you already know the answer, they don’t. Just because they think they do doesn’t make it any true. Ask them this short question to help them put their thoughts in check. They may be tweaking.

24. change the subject, skip right over It and ask a question like how is your dog? especially when they don’t have one.

25. that’s what’s up.

26. wrong number. They mixed up the digits, they can’t be hitting you up. Definitely not you, the message wasn’t meant for you.

27. “you snooze, you lose”. Very cost effective message. Drives home the message and you don’t need to type too much. Any one with good understanding will know what you mean.

28. “who is your new weed plug?” Colorado, Arizona or Loud? 

29. say something else like, “I want juice too, it’s been a while.”

30. “tell the people that sent you that you didn’t see me”. When you get these kinds of messages just know that they have been sent from the pit of hell. So you have to send them back home. Send them back to their oga because they have failed. Olodo, go back and do your ‘freedom and do graduation’, you did not learn work finish.